Thursday, March 24, 2016

Weather Recipe for Eastertime!

You take a storm that will blow through on Thursday night.

You combine that with a decent weather outlook for the weekend: Friday, clearing skies during late morning to early afternoon, highs in the middle 60s. Saturday, sunny and warmer, highs in the middle 70s. 

Add some rain on Easter Sunday. Exactly when is up to God. It is his day, right?

Then add some colorful eggs, and pretty dresses.

And there you have it. Good times people!  

Monday, March 14, 2016

Sunvarmint's Weeklong Weather #Bham2016Mar15 #Bham2016Mar16 #Bham2016Mar17

Tuesday gonna get hot! Maybe mid 80s and such! And the Sun gonna shine!

Tuesday night gonna cool down! Maybe a bit of misty rain or something!

Wednesday it's gonna be pretty! 70s like! With some sun, and pretty clouds!

Thursday probably 60s or low 70s again, might wake up to a little bit of rain. But who knows? And it might get a little drippy later too. Thursdays are like that sometimes.

Friday will most likely be drier again and nice, going to the mid 60s.

We'll send out the WeatherBot around Wednesday to gather weekend data and get back to you. It depends on what he decides to do. So don't hold your breath. We may need to resort to prayer. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana Face God's Weather Wrath for Voting Clinton Over Sanders

Our resident weather theologian, Father Patrick Roberts is tracking a freak storm which will bring several days worth of rough weather to certain of the most misguided states of our Union.

Fueled by the jet stream dipping unusually low for this time of year, the storm will stall and remain stationary for days, bringing a wrathful message from The Almighty.

Father Roberts has compiled what he believes is biblical evidence that this unworldly weather pattern is in fact the wrath of God! 

This morning, Father Roberts, who had been monitoring his bible for days left his weather post and stood in the center of the room. Raising his hands he began to shout:

"And Genesis tells us. It shall come about, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow will be seen in the cloud, and see, that's got to be the gay flag, right? and I will remember My covenant, God said, which is between Me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and never again shall the water become a flood to destroy all flesh. But he might give us a bit of a spanking! Right?"

Father Roberts continued this for a while, slipping in and out of tongues.

Though not a supporter himself, mumbling something about making America great again, Father Roberts claimed that God Almighty has left numerous messages within the bible which support Senator Bernie Sander's attempts to actually make the world better and care for his fellow man.

"I can't say as I agree with His Highness," said Roberts "but the evidence is all there, in the New Testament. I much prefer the old smash and burn approach myself. That's why this storm is so appealing to me."

Miraculously, this storm will not be swept up in the typical west-east flow of weather that moves across the U.S. But it will hover over the most sin ridden states, lingering long enough, one would hope, to get the message across. 

In order to send this admonishment God will cause this pattern to last for three days and three nights, producing periods of strong to severe thunderstorms. Though not huge, it does indicate that God is, at the very least, slightly miffed.

These storms are expected to dump between 3 and 12 inches of rain through Friday across a huge area from the Gulf of Mexico to Illinois, and central Texas to Mississippi. 

Mississippi might still be spared this wrath as the voting has not yet taken place at the time of this report.

The heaviest rain was forecast in Arkansas, Louisiana and Texas.

"Since we are all very well aware of the fact that God expresses his wrath with lightning and thunder we would be remiss not to listen," said Father Roberts.

When pressed about the inconsistencies of where the storm was hitting in relation to other states which have voted for Clinton, Roberts took the half eaten apple out of his mouth and tackled me, mumbling something about Jews. He held me to the ground and shoved the half eaten apple into my mouth attempting to smother me with it.

Swami Bamayanandaji Bubbamarajy was just then levitating across the room, just below the ceiling meditating his way to the refrigerator. He dropped rapidly down from his holy path and onto Father Roberts' head, knocking him unconscious. 

Stating "Namaste motherfuckers," Swami Bamayanandaji Bubbamarajy left the Father and myself crumpled on the floor and continued his journey to retrieve the pasta salad he had been seeking to break his fast.

This seemed like as good a time as any to take a nap, so I curled up with Pat and fell asleep.

The Lord, meanwhile, continued to work in mysterious ways.

Monday, March 7, 2016

Sunvarmint's Weather Blog: #Bham2016Mar8 #Bham2016Mar9 #Bham2016Mar10

I'm not feeling too good today. 

There was this guy mowing the lawn across the street when I came back from my bike ride. He was, like mowing what I guess he thought was grass. But he was straight up mowing dirt!

So it's getting close to official Spring. Spring with all its tree dandruff and nose devils. They like to get all up in your head and kill your joy. Spring should be a time for celebration. But the sneezing and the watery eyes and OH MY GOD! And this guy is just mowing the freaking dirt. I was moving pretty fast. I tried to put my shirt up over my face. But it was too late. And I was breathing in pretty hard from exertion on the bike.

So...don't mow dirt is the moral of the story, I guess. It's a dick move. 

And this week will be nice, 70s and stuff, with no rain until, maybe Thursday sometime. He can come back Thursday evening and mow mud if he wants to. 

Thursday, March 3, 2016

#Bham2016Mar4 #Bham2016Mar5 Sunvarmint's Weekend Weather Wonky Tonk

Today was really strange. 

We captured footage of this cloud formation with our special LG WeatherDroid. Notice it looks like some kind of freaky alien storm or something. 

Probably was.

It's called Undulatus Asperatus on account of...well...they undulate I guess. 

Now if I had used the word "undulatus" in front of my Granny she would have kicked me in the teeth. And I don't blame her. But that's what they're called.

It looks like that crap is about to burble down out of the sky and melt all over us, which I guess it kind of did. There was just all kinds of freaky stuff, like, kinda rain, but sleety and there was some lightning but it was all muffly. I just like it when weather is just plain ole' one thing or another. It doesn't need to get all weird and halfway to things and halfway to other things. That's ominous. 

So Friday I think it will probably start to return to normal. The morning will probably be cloudy as everything tries real hard to just be regular. 

And it should get into the 50s...maybe. Like, not really warm, but not real cold. 

And Saturday and Sunday I bet will be really pretty. Y'know, mid 60s and sunny and stuff. Good times weather.

It will surely get chilly at night.

I'm just guessing on all this since I'm not sending the geese out again for a few more days. They're pooped out. And the Weatherbot has a broken sprocket that I have on back order from 

I did ask our weather swami though, Swami Bamayanandaji Bubbamarajy to meditate on it for a bit. Only he's really old and kind of just fell asleep. So if he comes back to me with any updates I'll let you know.

Monday, February 29, 2016

WARNING: Storms Coming to Alabama #Bham2016Mar1 #Bham2016Mar2 #Bham2016Mar3

Our specially trained flock of weather geese returned today after a week long weather sounding flight. 

They bring tales of rough weather. 

We can't be sure exactly what the weather will be but several of them squawked and pecked at each other in a way that leads us to believe there might be some circular updrafts and a few hook echos, maybe some possible tornadoes. 

We're saving money to buy some new 3-D, doppler geese but they're expensive and you have to get a special license. 

Anyway...I guess it will probably get pretty rough this week. Since Miko, the lead goose went into the goose house and won't come out, I believe it's coming fast. Tuesday should be rough, rainy, windy...all that.

Wednesday might be OK. So everyone can take naps and drink beer and make some chicken or something. 

But Thursday will probably suck again.   

And the Alabama primary is tomorrow, Tuesday March 1. So everyone is pretty excited. Voting and stuff. Like, it almost doesn't matter who wins this year since every one of them is so incredible. But be careful going to vote. I mean, early is probably OK. But the afternoon just might get crazy. And the night hours will be windy and dangerous.